Dealing with Loss in the Middle of a Pandemic

This blog is about being open and honest. It is about sharing my experiences, just in case it can help just one of you feel a little less alone. I would like to preface this post with a trigger warning.

Those of you who know me are aware that I have experienced a fair bit of loss in the past year and half…

• In January 2019, I lost a part of myself when I was sexually assaulted.
• In September 2019, I lost my brother
• In February 2020, I lost my grandfather.
• In May 2020, I said goodbye to the apartment I called home for the past three years, I was one of the countless professionals who lost their position due to the current pandemic and I was blind sighted with the end of a relationship.  

Compounding all that loss over several months would be a lot for anyone, it has hit me particularly hard.

The aftermath of surviving sexual assault was no walk in the park for me, I blamed myself, my confidence was destroyed and I really struggled to move forward. I am so incredibly grateful that I had the support system that I needed to find the strength to report my assault to the police, and to help me remember to take care of myself as I continue to learn to love and accept my body again. While I have made a lot of progress, I am still coming to terms with how this changed me and how I view myself.

When I lost my brother, I had countless people reach out with the words “I’m here for you”, ”I’m so sorry for your loss”, “My condolences”, “I am here to talk or whatever you need!”.  I am in no way discounting the genuine sentiment behind every person who has reached out, but only a handful were able to really show up for me in the way that I needed, and for that I am eternally grateful.

I remember the moment I found out clear as day, but the weeks that followed of planning his funeral, writing his obituary and tribute and creating his memorial video resembled a foggy, mildly drunk, out of body experience.

Losing my little brother was one of those monumental events in my life that now serves as a quantifier of time: Before Phillip passed, and after. For family, our identities have been forever changed because of that day. One day I was a big sister texting with my brother about changing our Netflix password, and the next, I was in complete shock as I lost my identity as sister. I didn’t have a say, there was nothing I could have done to stop him and despite what the Winchester boys on Supernatural would lead you to believe; there was nothing I could do to bring him back.

Despite my grief, I fell for an unexpected and incredible man who showed up for me and supported me in a way no one else had, and we got to travel a bit of the world together. I found myself content and really happy with the life I created for myself, despite the ache in my heart being unable to tell my brother about it. Toronto had become my new home and I was excited for the upcoming year of adventures, the marketing strategy I worked so hard on, and I was finally starting to feel like I had gotten my footing, I was smiling again.

Losing my grandfather was a hard, we were back at the same funeral home where we had said goodbye to my brother. While I was sad to say goodbye, I knew that my grandpa had a full life of travel, love and adventure…all things my brother would never experience.

Cue this little pandemic you might be familiar with (unless you are hunkered down in a bunker somewhere with no internet and in that case, how did you find my blog?).

Suddenly, in the midst of the world going into lockdown, I had to find a new apartment in the outrageously expensive city of Toronto, this man I was so enamored with, who I considered my safe place and began to believe was my person…wasn’t, and the job I was so proud of that allowed me to travel the world was no more. No apartment, no job and no boyfriend.

Rough.

Seriously, any one of these things on its own is something to cry over. I can assure you that there has been more than a few gut wrenching tears shed on my end, over the past few weeks months years.

This has been my rock bottom.

I have always been a very social person and it so it comes no surprise that not being able to go cry with my friends, get dolled up and have a girls night or throw myself into work or cope with the countless distractions that were no longer options due to COVID has been extremely uncomfortable. But, I have often been described as being resilient (I have it tattooed on my arm – just in case I forget) and I always try and find the good in each situation (no matter how long it takes).

What have I done to cope?

Thankfully, my bereavement therapist and I have had a standing call every week (sometimes twice a week) which I find extremely helpful. (Side note: Finding the right therapist is like finding the right partner, I had to try a few before I found the right fit) Also, for those of you who aren’t into therapy or maybe don’t have the budget for it, don’t forget you can always reach out to close friends to catch up with, open up to or just to have a good cry with (that will hopefully end in laughter).

Reading books on grief written by professionals (It’s Okay that you’re Not Okay by Megan Devine) and books written by regular people who have also experienced a lot of grief (I am a huge fan of Nora McInerny – her ted talk is my pep talk when I’m having a particularly difficult day.)

One thing that really works for me is that when I feel physically strong, I feel a lot more emotionally strong. Luckily, I have an amazing personal trainer who set me up with an online program that has been my personal cheerleader and to be honest a god send through the past year. She adapted her program to at home workouts and encourages me to get walking, but I personally cannot wait to get back to the gym and get back to lifting heavy. Check her out coachsiggy.com

I put on a dress that I feel pretty in, take a bomb selfie and have romantic dinner for one. I cook myself delicious meals that are mix of healthy foods that make my body feel good and not-so-healthy foods that make my soul feel good (add ALL of the butter) that I never made the time to make before and plate it to make Gordon Ramsay proud.

I found creative outlets that I forgot I needed in my life:

• As you are aware, I finally found the time to write a blog which is not only cathartic but also really fun for me.
• I have spent the afternoon on my patio, with the musical stylings of Charles Trenet (For those of you who aren’t familiar that’s French Jazz from the fifties) painting an adult paint by numbers sipping on a crisp chilled rosé paired with brie and crackers.
• I have found myself starring in solo dance parties rocking out to everything from Sam Cooke to Lizzo to the Dixie Chicks in my new little one-bedroom apartment.

I also let myself have sad days, with comfort food delivered to my door and cozy on my couch watching whatever makes me feel good that day. (Side note: I had friends across the country order me dinner and because food is my love language this made me feel so loved and supported, 10/10 would recommend if you’re trying to find a way to help someone feel a little less lonely). The key here is not go beating yourself up because you are human and sometimes feelings and life can get overwhelming for anyone but always allow yourself to start fresh after a good night’s sleep.

This pandemic has thrown a lot people off balance (myself included) in so many ways, but no matter what you are going through take solace in the fact that you’re not alone in these experiences (trauma, global pandemics, losing love, losing jobs, etc.) and it won’t last forever.

Be patient with yourself, try to find healthy ways to help you cope (no judgement here) and remember that you can handle whatever life throws at you – it just might take a while to clean up the mess.

“We need each other to remember, to help each other remember, that grief is this multitasking emotion. That you can and will be sad, and happy; you’ll be grieving, and able to love in the same year or week, the same breath. We need to remember that a grieving person is going to laugh again and smile again. If they’re lucky, they’ll even find love again. But yes, absolutely, they’re going to move forward. But that doesn’t mean that they’ve moved on. “

Nora mcinerny