World Mental Health Day: Honouring my Brother

On September 12th, 2019, my brother and I were discussing the fact that one of my exes was still using our family’s Netflix account and he decided to change the password to kick him off. It was a random conversation, nothing particularly profound. My visit to Calgary the previous weekend he casually asked me if I had any questions about his plans for his “dirt grave” if things didn’t go as planned and I refused to discuss that possibility and instead we talked about his thesis and his plans for the rest of his masters. I left Calgary thinking that he would not leave his masters unfinished and he would get through this rough time he’d been having and that I would see him at thanksgiving.

On the morning of Friday, September 13th, 2019, I was sitting in my bed, working from home while icing my shoulder from a gym injury. My father was in town for the weekend and we had a big father daughter weekend planned filled with a Jays game and seafood. At 1:20 in the afternoon my dad texted me telling he was on his way to my grandmother’s graveside east of Toronto.

About 10 minutes later he called me to tell me that Phillip, my brother, was gone and heard the words and did not comprehend what he was saying.

My father was calling to tell me that my little brother took his own life.

It’s amazing how your entire reality can shatter in a matter of minutes.

He said that he needed to go back to Calgary and I calmly responded that I was coming with him and would figure it out. As I hung up the phone the sounds I made as I wailed in disbelief that this was my new reality, my heart felt so heavy and the flood of emotions just exploded.

My new roommate had only moved in a few days before and she came to see what was happening and as I blubbered what I can only imagine was part gibberish and hollow words about my brother dying and having to pack and call my boss. I remember her bringing me water and offering to help. I remember calling my incredibly supportive supervisor who moved mountains to help get my father and I on a flight to Calgary (my hometown) to be with my mother.

By 2:16 that afternoon, we were on our way to the airport. In my 28 years of life, I had never seen my father cry, I always joked with my brother about what it would take to make him cry, and when he picked me up it felt so surreal and my heart broke even more that this is what it took to see my father in tears.

Shortly after 7:00pm, my cousins picked us up from the airport and brought to my mother who had found my brother earlier that morning. Walking into that house filled with our family and friends felt like an out of body experience.

Over the course of the next few days my parents house resembled a flower shop, with cards and bouquets and food being delivered every few hours. Hundreds of condolences poured in from around the world – to an overwhelming point where I just couldn’t read them all.

Planning my 25-year-old brothers funeral took everything I had, I wanted so badly to make it perfect, to make to his standards. I wanted the right music, the right words to honour him, the right people to be there. I had this tunnel vision of needing to write his obituary and supporting my parents the best way knew how which was to organize and plan.

I spent entire days scanning photos and creating his memorial video. How can anyone really sum up a life with a few songs and handful of photos?

While we were planning the funeral, my mom was so worried that he had pushed everyone away and not many people would show up as a result.

Over 500 people showed up for his funeral.

500 people showed up for us as we said goodbye to my little brother. I wish he knew just how many lives he touched.

The weeks that followed were a haze, I kept hoping I would wake up from this vivid nightmare. incredible friends got me out of the house, ate with me, drank with me, distracted me, and listened to me.

When someone asks if I have any siblings it’s a difficult question to answer because I know how uncomfortable the mere mention of suicide can be but I have chosen to hell with worrying about people’s comfort levels with my reality.

I have a semi colon tattoo to honour him forever.

I lost my little brother to suicide.

And the most common response after “I’m sorry” is asking if he struggled with addiction and then they ask if I have other sibilings…

It was just the two of us and my brother was the most straight edge person I have ever met, he didn’t drink, he didn’t do drugs. He was studying his masters in computer science, he was a talented tennis player, he was my mover, my designated driver, my airport taxi, my personal IT, my witty yet loving tormentor, my movie advisor, the family ping pong champion, my friend and he was my brilliant, determined loving brother.

He didn’t give any medication a real shot because he felt it was only a temporary solution and was too tired to keep trying to figure it out. He felt alone, he felt that he would never support himself with a job, that he would never find partner and that he would never find a permanent solution.

There is not a single day that goes by that I don’t think about my brother, and while there are days when it feels all consuming, I push through to honour him and live my life doubly, for him. I try to practice more patience, and kindness towards myself because taking care of my mental health is my top priority.

It is truly because of a village of incredible humans that I have been able to move forward my life while not going a single day without thinking about him. Each thoughtful message, each person who showed up (and continues to), who fed me, who distracted me, who cried with me and held me has touched my life in ways that words fail to describe.

It breaks my heart that he left us so soon, but he lives on in our memories and stories, and in what all of us have and will become because of him.

Today is World Mental Health day, so I ask you to not only check on your loved ones and really listen but check on yourself and be kind to yourself and in all of this madness of 2020m Please remember that these hard times are temporary and they will not last forever.

In loving memory of
Phillip Anthony Thomas
1994 – 2019

Why Brunch is my Absolute Favourite Meal

brunch
/brən(t)SH/
noun
1. a late morning meal eaten instead of breakfast and lunch.

As a child, I have the fondest memories of brunch filled with beautifully set tablescapes with extravagant spreads of pancakes, fresh fruit and eggs benedict whipped up by my mom.

Sleepovers at my house were always a hit because my mom fed us like queens. “Smoked salmon eggs benny?” “Oh, you prefer a classic ham? No problem!” “Let’s get some fresh fruit and maple syrup out for those pancakes.” Everything I have learned about hosting brunch has been passed down by my mother; from beautiful plating to perfecting bacon (something I can literally never say no to) to soft poaching picture-perfect eggs and making the most buttery delightful hollandaise with a little kick.

As an adult, I think of Sundays and football, bottomless mimosas (Life hack: Get a bottle of prosecco with a side of orange juice if bottomless isn’t offered) and my favorite people. Everyone is welcome at brunch from babies to bros, whether you’re an early riser or hungover (perfect time to triple fist an extra spicy Caesar, a coffee and a water) …although maybe not time to bring the random you met at a bar because it is daylight after all.

The people you want to have brunch with are the kind of people you want to keep in your life. It’s an opportunity to find time to connect with loved ones despite our very busy schedules and enjoy literally the best meal at a more convenient time. You can literally go wild on Caesars and mimosas and head home to nap and it’s like two days in one.

Brunch is the meal you share with people whose company you genuinely enjoy because it allows for intimate conversations, catching up and jokes with old friends. Whether you want waffles, eggs benedict, french toast, or a classic bacon and eggs you can always find the staples at brunch.

In my travels around the world I have been able to try all sorts of magnificent breakfast foods with so many amazing humans around the world:

  • Avocado toast and the most divine pea pancakes in Australia (Nope, no vegemite for me thanks)
  • Steamed buns and fried rice in China
  • Toast and sausage and beans in England
  • Café au lait, pastries, crepes, and quiche in France
  • Bakes and saltfish in Grenada
  • Prosciutto, the most heavenly cheese, and fresh breads in Italy
  • Eggs with Furikake and miso soup in Japan
  • Buttered buns with sprinkles and Poffertjets in the Netherlands
  • Spanish omelets and chorizo in Spain
  • Olives, cheese, spicy sucuk and borek in Turkey

My travels have taught me that eggs are truly the unsung heroes of brunch; sunny side up, over easy, poached, baked, scrambled, boiled, or part of a recipe… an egg allergy would seriously hinder brunching. Personally, I will literally eat breakfast for any meal and call it brunch.

Special shout out: I enjoyed the most incredible egg of my entire life at a Michelin restaurant called Kokotxa in San Sebastian, Spain. The Chef literally built his own slow poacher to poach the eggs to perfection. I still think about that egg course to this day…It was a life changing egg, I kid you not.

The best egg you will ever eat // Kokotxa

Dealing with Loss in the Middle of a Pandemic

This blog is about being open and honest. It is about sharing my experiences, just in case it can help just one of you feel a little less alone. I would like to preface this post with a trigger warning.

Those of you who know me are aware that I have experienced a fair bit of loss in the past year and half…

  • In January 2019, I lost a part of myself when I was sexually assaulted.
  • In September 2019, I lost my brother
  • In February 2020, I lost my grandfather.
  • In May 2020, I said goodbye to the apartment I called home for the past three years, I was one of the countless professionals who lost their position due to the current pandemic and I was blind sighted with the end of a relationship.  

Compounding all that loss over several months would be a lot for anyone, it has hit me particularly hard.

The aftermath of surviving sexual assault was no walk in the park for me, I blamed myself, my confidence was destroyed and I really struggled to move forward. I am so incredibly grateful that I had the support system that I needed to find the strength to report my assault to the police, and to help me remember to take care of myself as I continue to learn to love and accept my body again. While I have made a lot of progress, I am still coming to terms with how this changed me and how I view myself.

When I lost my brother, I had countless people reach out with the words “I’m here for you”, ”I’m so sorry for your loss”, “My condolences”, “I am here to talk or whatever you need!”.  I am in no way discounting the genuine sentiment behind every person who has reached out, but only a handful were able to really show up for me in the way that I needed, and for that I am eternally grateful.

I remember the moment I found out clear as day, but the weeks that followed of planning his funeral, writing his obituary and tribute and creating his memorial video resembled a foggy, mildly drunk, out of body experience.

Losing my little brother was one of those monumental events in my life that now serves as a quantifier of time: Before Phillip passed, and after. For family, our identities have been forever changed because of that day. One day I was a big sister texting with my brother about changing our Netflix password, and the next, I was in complete shock as I lost my identity as sister. I didn’t have a say, there was nothing I could have done to stop him and despite what the Winchester boys on Supernatural would lead you to believe; there was nothing I could do to bring him back.

Despite my grief, I fell for an unexpected and incredible man who showed up for me and supported me in a way no one else had, and we got to travel a bit of the world together. I found myself content and really happy with the life I created for myself, despite the ache in my heart being unable to tell my brother about it. Toronto had become my new home and I was excited for the upcoming year of adventures, the marketing strategy I worked so hard on, and I was finally starting to feel like I had gotten my footing, I was smiling again.

Losing my grandfather was a hard, we were back at the same funeral home where we had said goodbye to my brother. While I was sad to say goodbye, I knew that my grandpa had a full life of travel, love and adventure…all things my brother would never experience.

Cue this little pandemic you might be familiar with (unless you are hunkered down in a bunker somewhere with no internet and in that case, how did you find my blog?).

Suddenly, in the midst of the world going into lockdown, I had to find a new apartment in the outrageously expensive city of Toronto, this man I was so enamored with, who I considered my safe place and began to believe was my person…wasn’t, and the job I was so proud of that allowed me to travel the world was no more. No apartment, no job and no boyfriend.

Rough.

Seriously, any one of these things on its own is something to cry over. I can assure you that there has been more than a few gut wrenching tears shed on my end, over the past few weeks months years.

This has been my rock bottom.

I have always been a very social person and it so it comes no surprise that not being able to go cry with my friends, get dolled up and have a girls night or throw myself into work or cope with the countless distractions that were no longer options due to COVID has been extremely uncomfortable. But, I have often been described as being resilient (I have it tattooed on my arm – just in case I forget) and I always try and find the good in each situation (no matter how long it takes).

What have I done to cope?

Thankfully, my bereavement therapist and I have had a standing call every week (sometimes twice a week) which I find extremely helpful. (Side note: Finding the right therapist is like finding the right partner, I had to try a few before I found the right fit) Also, for those of you who aren’t into therapy or maybe don’t have the budget for it, don’t forget you can always reach out to close friends to catch up with, open up to or just to have a good cry with (that will hopefully end in laughter).

Reading books on grief written by professionals (It’s Okay that you’re Not Okay by Megan Devine) and books written by regular people who have also experienced a lot of grief (I am a huge fan of Nora McInerny – her ted talk is my pep talk when I’m having a particularly difficult day.)

One thing that really works for me is that when I feel physically strong, I feel a lot more emotionally strong. Luckily, I have an amazing personal trainer who set me up with an online program that has been my personal cheerleader and to be honest a god send through the past year. She adapted her program to at home workouts and encourages me to get walking, but I personally cannot wait to get back to the gym and get back to lifting heavy. Check her out coachsiggy.com

I put on a dress that I feel pretty in, take a bomb selfie and have romantic dinner for one. I cook myself delicious meals that are mix of healthy foods that make my body feel good and not-so-healthy foods that make my soul feel good (add ALL of the butter) that I never made the time to make before and plate it to make Gordon Ramsay proud.

I found creative outlets that I forgot I needed in my life:

  • As you are aware, I finally found the time to write a blog which is not only cathartic but also really fun for me.
  • I have spent the afternoon on my patio, with the musical stylings of Charles Trenet (For those of you who aren’t familiar that’s French Jazz from the fifties) painting an adult paint by numbers sipping on a crisp chilled rosé paired with brie and crackers.
  • I have found myself starring in solo dance parties rocking out to everything from Sam Cooke to Lizzo to the Dixie Chicks in my new little one-bedroom apartment.

I also let myself have sad days, with comfort food delivered to my door and cozy on my couch watching whatever makes me feel good that day. (Side note: I had friends across the country order me dinner and because food is my love language this made me feel so loved and supported, 10/10 would recommend if you’re trying to find a way to help someone feel a little less lonely). The key here is not go beating yourself up because you are human and sometimes feelings and life can get overwhelming for anyone but always allow yourself to start fresh after a good night’s sleep.

This pandemic has thrown a lot people off balance (myself included) in so many ways, but no matter what you are going through take solace in the fact that you’re not alone in these experiences (trauma, global pandemics, losing love, losing jobs, etc.) and it won’t last forever.

Be patient with yourself, try to find healthy ways to help you cope (no judgement here) and remember that you can handle whatever life throws at you – it just might take a while to clean up the mess.

“We need each other to remember, to help each other remember, that grief is this multitasking emotion. That you can and will be sad, and happy; you’ll be grieving, and able to love in the same year or week, the same breath. We need to remember that a grieving person is going to laugh again and smile again. If they’re lucky, they’ll even find love again. But yes, absolutely, they’re going to move forward. But that doesn’t mean that they’ve moved on. “

Nora mcinerny

Is there really racism in Canada?

The past few weeks have been a bit of a roller coaster of emotions for me, particularly regarding the racial injustices that black people continue to experience in the United States, and have caused me to reflect on my own experiences throughout my life.

Back in the 1980s, my parents did not have much support for their relationship from either side of their families. My dad, originally from Grenada, met my Hungarian mother at the Calgary Tennis club, 36 years later they are still married and very much in love.
If anyone has seen the movie “Save the last dance” imagine Kerry Washington’s character explaining to Julia Stiles all of the reasons why she[Julia] shouldn’t be with her brother, this is what my dad’s side of the family felt about him being with a white woman.
On my mother’s side, there were several comments of racial stereotypes that were shared with my parents, upon the announcement of their engagement. One in particular stood out from the rest; “You’re too sensitive to have mixed children”. Now, as one of their mixed children, it took me many years to really grasp what was really being said: “Your children will not be treated as well as you have been, and it is going to be hard”.

In my childhood, I attended french immersion catholic schools in Calgary, Alberta. I’d like to point out that the lack of diversity in my schools were so prevalent that to this day I can count how many other visible minorities were in my primary and high school on both hands. I grew up being picked on because I had my hair in braids most of the time which was gross according to my peers and on the rare occasion that my hair was out, I was told it was an ugly mop and one day they went a step further and punched me in the nose. Fun fact: I was in just as much trouble as the little white boy who gave a bloody nose and was told it would be on my permanent record.
As a young child I never really understood why I was singled out for my hair, or why comments on my skin color being darker but not “too dark” made me so uncomfortable. I finally begun to understand why these comments didn’t sit right with me, as a young teen. One day, as I was walking down the street after a concert with a few white friends and had 4 older white men yell out “White Power” from the other-side of the street, suddenly it dawned on me that these racist actions were because I looked different, and I was half black. It didn’t take me long to discover that the “less black” I looked, the more white (better) I would be treated.

I began to expand my social circles in high school and university; my friends would refer to me as an Oreo because I didn’t really count as black, or as the token black friend or announce that they weren’t racist because they were friends with me. Now, I realize how innocent these comments might have seemed, but they truly were micro aggressions that left a lasting mark on me. As a result, I began to keep my hair straight and assimilate, in hopes that the comments would stop if I no longer stood out.

Would it surprise you to know that question I have been asked most in my life has been “What are you?” or “Where are you actually from?” The next question or comment often is about my hair “Wow, I didn’t know it could get so straight”, or “it’s a bit wild today you should tame your nappy hair” and of course “It feels so soft and bouncy” – from people who physically reach out and touch my curly hair without any permission from me at all. You read that right – strangers, coworkers, acquaintances, feel that it is appropriate to touch my curly hair without out my consent. Now, I would love to tell you that I have been able to stand up for myself and tell these people that this behaviour it is not okay, but there has always been this underlying fear that I will suffer a consequence as a result.

For example, I had many educated and worldly friends who had no issue using the “N word” openly around me, and when I would speak up, many of them would spout their justifications. They would tell me that it’s “just a word “and if rappers are using it than so can they. The idea that I was offended by their uses of this word was unfathomable and dismissed because I “didn’t really count as a black” person, I am only half and I like to listen to country music. I can honestly say that I have lost friends over the years because they felt my ask to not use that particular word was completely unfounded.

Working in my university bar, I had patrons call out ” Sheniqua or Tenisha” to get my attention as the only black woman behind the bar, because in their mind yelling out a random “Black sounding name” was an okay way to get my attention. I laughed it off because not one person in the room had a problem with this. Some men who have talked about getting their “black card” by dating me, so openly and without shame, while others who have come from such white privilege that they can’t possibly understand or believe that I have been treated differently in my life. That seeing mixed race women in movies and in TV shows, even commercials as an adult has been amazing for me personally, because when I was growing up there were no adults that looked like me, I felt like the minority among minorities.

In my experience in the corporate world, I have had coworkers that had only spoken to me on the phone discover my ethnicity at a later date and comment that I was so “well-spoken” that they assumed I was white. I have worked in a department of close to 100 employees with a total of 3 other people of colour throughout my employment, where I had a direct supervisor tell me that the way that I carry myself was “too much”, make comments about my hair, my body type and that I needed to fit in with the culture because “Corporate Toronto is a small place and my reputation would follow” if I didn’t fall in line.

This last one in particular, echoed Sasha Exeter’s experience with Jessica Mulroney. The fact that anyone in a position of power and privilege feels so comfortable making threats to a person of colour’s career and livelihood is a prime example of the racsim that unfortunately is very common in Corporate Canada. Why have so many people of colour not spoken up in these situations? First of all, it needs to be said that threatening anyone is a problem, but here’s another layer in this situation: to have a white supervisor/person of power feel so confident that their words hold more power than that of a person of colour that they can threaten them, creates a sense of fear that we don’t obey they have the power to ruin your life. I am so grateful that Sasha Exeter chose to speak up and share this experience because truly it is not okay and has made me feel less alone in the experience. Touching my curly hair, especially in a corporate setting is not okay, and yet somehow because I am “exotic” and not white, I have to explain to coworkers and supervisors that my natural hair is not on my head for them to touch as they please.

I am not here trying to tell you that the level of racism and violence that has been occurring in the United States is remotely the same as what I have experienced and observed around Canada, but I do want you to know that there IS racism in Canada, but it is so systemic and often unconscious that many wonderful, loving people who really do mean well, are part of the problem.

I won’t sit here and tell you what to do, and I have seen a lot of performative things on social media that I don’t personally feel are genuine, but I really do believe that any real change starts at home. So if you really want to make a difference; educate yourself, read books from credible authors, watch documentaries, learn about systemic racism (I am happy to make a few recommendations). Unlearn some of these unconscious judgments and stereotypes that have been hammered into us and be the change you want to see in the world.

Why dresses every damn day?

Who am I?

  • My name is Vanessa, and I was born and raised in Calgary, Alberta (yes, I adore country music).
  • My father hails from Grenada and my mother is Hungarian (What a unique mix, I know!)I was a Rotary exchange student after high school and lived in Ankara, Turkey for a year.
  • I have a degree in Communications from the University of Calgary that included a group study program travelling through Spain studying the Spanish culture through food.
  • I moved to Toronto for my dream job in 2017, allowing me to travel the world and lost it due to a pandemic you might have heard of.
  • I had a fantastic little brother who constantly challenged me, questioned why my dating life consisted of foreigners with funny names and completed suicide in 2019.
  • I have experienced great, passionate love, friendship and heartbreak, just as any of you.
  • I am also as open as they come (total oversharer – thanks mom!), and I really do wear dresses every damn day (yes, that includes all winter long).

So why did I decide to start a blog?
My intention is quite simple; I hope that by sharing my experiences I can help even one person feel a little less alone and maybe laugh a little too.